I was pretty much in a coma yesterday. I have been feeling slightly overwhelmed for the last year or so but loving life at the same time. It wasn't until yesterday that a mix of emotions from feeling so proud of our show the night before, to angry, sad, and guilty for what I had to face when I came home. I digress.
I am so proud of myself for my accomplishments and proud of my decisions to take charge of my life and fight for what matters. I've had to pull up my boot straps and work extra due to the slow economy and to help out my family until things stabilize perhaps.
I have a job that fulfills me moderately, I work with a great group of women, although I'm kinda the "odd" one in the bunch and that is OK with me, it kinda makes me smile on the inside. I have great managers that gave me a schedule that rocks and are willing to work with me if I need a day off here and there (within reason.) As with any nursing job, I do feel pretty drained on most days after work. It is nothing like charging in the MICU, but physically, mentally, and emotionally still very challenging. Some days I'm on my feet all day rushing around while the OR stampedes us with patients (which lately is a good thing due to low census) that each step feels like I'm walking on bruises. It is challenging having to come up with cleaver ideas all day how to make the day run smooth without a crisis occurring, and no matter what, others feel frustrated. I want to be the nurse that can make their patients feel all better, coming up with just the right "cocktail" to make their pain tolerable without making them too sleepy or sick they can't go home or to a floor. I want to do it also in a timely manner, so that I can take more patients and pull my weight. I do this pretty well, not perfect but well.
At home, I want to be there for my kids for as much as I can. They care, but they understand when I can't make it because they are secure children. Connor told me the other day during his Field trip that I was able to go to last minute, "Mom did you tell your work thank you for letting you come? You must work pretty hard." That was so sweet to me.
We are currently packing up our house to sell and pay some debt off, rent for a couple years and then possibly build a house on some land maybe, something Elvis has always planned on doing. Packing is so emotional, exhausting, but also exciting. It's weird. Elvis is working 6-7 days a week to get things caught up. I haven't done much extra because the time just isn't there.
This brings me to my decision to stop dancing. I feel it necessary to explain what kind of chaos is occurring in my life right now and why I need time to get stuff in order before (if I do) return to dance. My husband has had issues with my dance (which is his deal and would never be the sole reason why I would quit but it does factor in strongly) I/we are just tired of fighting. He also misses me. He told misses having someone to sit with at baseball games. I admit I can't go to all of them but I do go to a lot, but that was an honest example of the things he misses, which I can understand, and an example of the guilt that I feel. I just don't feel strong enough right now to fight anymore.
I also have had some comments that have got under my skin and had it just been the comments alone without all the other shit going on right now it wouldn't have affected me in the same way. I feel like I was trying my best and just wasn't enough for others in my life or myself for that matter. I have to end this phase of my life or perhaps put it on hold and let the dust settle. I'm sorry if I am letting people down. Really really sorry.