At work today, my good friend Ashley asked me when my California trip was. She asked if it was next weekend. I kind of laughed and said "oh no...It's not until April 17th!" As I replied to her question it occurred to me that I was really leaving in a couple of weeks. I really haven't processed the reality of my leaving my family for one entire week! As I stood there...at work next to a child whom I was recovering, My eyes welled up with tears. I began to think of Allie and how she won't really understand why her mommy wouldn't be there to tuck her in every night.
I was SHOCKED at my reaction. Prior to now, my emotions have been limited to excitement, anxiety, and guilt about leaving. I knew I would miss my children but the intense emotion at 9 am was overwhelming. What am I to do with these feelings? I'm going to completely ignore them and wipe my eyes off and pretend that everything is OK and that I'm sad but everything will be OK. period. OK at least for the rest of my 8 hour shift....for the benefit of my patients.
After a pretty good day of work, I run home and don't really have time to re-visit my emotions and reflect and think and process them. Instead I run inside with Allie. Change my clothes, make some dinner. Meet Connor's new friend's mom and dad. Drill rules in to my boys and remind them of all the safety procedures and what is allowed and what isn't allowed if they stay home alone ( as Elvis took a surprise trip to St. Louis ) I run around the house gathering items that will Hopefully Appease Allie for at least 1 hour so I can attend intermediate dance.
Upon arriving to dance Allie is excited to come in and see some of my "dance friends" as she calls them. I tuck her in and were set. At least for the time being. She lasts all of 15 minutes and comes into the studio and shows off a little but otherwise nothing not manageable. I was able to finish class at least with the assistance of Kandi, whom Allie is finally warming up to.
On the way home we stop and grab some necessities at Hyvee, go home, hang out, I do dishes, and laundry, tuck kids in bed and here I am. I really feel the need to process what is about to transpire in a couple of weeks. OK, well process in between loads of laundry.
So, on Saturday April 17th I have a show that I am looking forward to. Moonbelly Ensamble, Dragonflies are teaming up with Final Veil and performing at Mojo's from 7pm-9pm.
After the show I will go home and prepare to rest and leave at 3am or so to drive to KC to catch my flight for Oakland, CA. Woah, let me just say that flying alone, for some stupid reason gives my horrible butterflies and my mind thinks horrible things. I push those irrational thoughts aside... I am worried about missing my flight out of Denver. And can I just say again...horrible butterflies.
When arriving to CA, my wonderful cousins Dan and/or Wendy will meet me and I will be staying at their house. They are doing everything the can to put my mind at ease. Pretty much, if I need help, they will explain and or show me exactally how to do it. They probably think I'm a little silly for being so nervous but I haven't backed out so I'm really pretty brave right :)
My purpose of going to California is to train with one of my dance mentors Suhaila Salimpour. She is a second generation American Bellydancer and daughter of Jamila Salimpour.
http://www.therealsuhaila.com/
I am currently Level 1 certified in the format. Someone once compared the differences in the "levels" to Tae Quan Do and belts. I guess for me is was sufficiant to explain to people who really had no idea what and why I am working on advancing. It is a personal goal. It is good for no one but myself. I personally need goals to help with my motivation. I need the language, the challenge, rhythms, patterns, and the academics that the format provides. It is really humbling when "ya think ya got it" and then you realize there is SO much more to learn and that you really are not even close and that is OK! But that it is there if you want to continue.
I won't get into why I like to dance tonight. Well OK, maybe just a little so that it can be understood. I like to dance for the confidence, strength, emotional outlet, artistic expression, and relationships that I love. I also like working real hard to make something look good and it coming together at the end, like a gift for the audience and I like to hear the positive response. It's like one big awesome package. In a nutshell...
By going on this trip I am going to continue my dedication, practice, knowledge, and love for the dance. I will grow personally by doing things I would never do otherwise. Set an example for my daughter (and sons) that I take care of myself and my emotional state of being so that I can better take care of them. I want my children to go after what they want not let fear rule their life. I plan on taking the time to reflect on my life and what is important.
I end with a great feeling of appreciation with my life. Although very busy and crazy, I am blessed to have wonderful children. I am blessed to have 2 boys that are pretty stoked that mom is going to travel to follow a dream and come back and maybe take them out there the next time around. And a wonderful daughter that is passionate about life and loves her mommy. A husband who is supportive and able to juggle work and mommy and "daddyhood" for a week. Even if it means frozen pizzas and fish sticks for 5 days.
My family will be very missed but this is a once in a lifetime experience and I will try to get the MOST out of it I possibly can and share it!!!
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First off, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. It's nice to get to know you, even if it's just a little bit on here.
ReplyDeleteOften, it seems like a lot of people put their lives on hold for their families and jobs and it is truly inspiring to see that you chase after your dream, not only in going to California, but even showing up to class and being a leader each week.
Hope the pre-trip jitters smooth out! I know you're definitely going to kick butt out on the west coast. :)
-Erin Ryan