Friday, June 11, 2010

Reflecting (sick baby at home)

I don't have much time to think about choices I have made in regards to dance. Until of course it smacks me in the face. I have frequent reminders of why I love it so much. There is something so special at Moonbelly. It is an atmosphere that I was free to let my creativity flow. A place where I could be vulnerable and accepted. For example, I could try hard to make a move look beautiful and not hold back bc of the fear of being laughed at or judged. In fact, when I would "hold back" I was encouraged to do it again, but this time "make me believe you." I was graced by the presence of a great group of gals, I was given so many opportunities, and I felt like I could be the performer I have always wanted to be (not to be famous but enjoying the process.)

I have a great group of friends there who are women that are supportive and strong and take no BS. I will miss spending time with them and the closeness we shared. My heart and mind thinks of them daily. I know when there are probably rehersals and I often think of what they are up to and have a weird mix of sorrow and happieness.

I was given so many wonderful opportunities there and was given so many chances and opportunities to shine that I am so grateful words can't even express. People believed in me, they looked up to me, and I felt the same toward them.

I will miss the process of putting on a show. The countless hours in preparation that didn't feel like work but more like play. Then the nerves I experienced just before going on stage. Then the proud high that I got after the shows.

I would be able to maintain this and care for my family if I wasn't hurting the person I love the most. Right now things at home are in turmoil and whether or not this is a knee jerk reaction or not I need to try on my end to make things better. Even if they don't get better in the following months I can know that I did what I need to do to make it right. I need to make sure I am there for the kids right now in case anything happiness. The last thing I would want is for them to be taken away bc the courts think I'm not devoted enough to them.

Let me make it clear though, I hope this decision wasn't made out of fear. I would pride myself in saying that I don't make decisions based on fear, but if I'm really honest that is probably part of it.

Things are a little easier, but I recognize that it may not last, but I am enjoying re-connecting with my husband. Thank you for the kind words and keep on dancing and I will be watching and cheering you on!!

As my mom would say "we'll see..."

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